My Blog

It’s so great doing porn and being able to live a lifestyle where you can have fun, meet new people, have sex, make great money and live the way u want. but im still a human being and lately life has been nothing but short of blessings it seems. i was blessed enough to get pregnant…. with whom i was almost sure was my fiance’s baby. it turns out after getting my first sonogram that it is my ex boyfriend and ex best friends child. this would be awesome considering i asked him to be the god father of my fiances and mines kid anyways…but my best friend and i no longer speak. after living withhim for 3 years, im all by myself. im a recovering addict, and he used to tell me he would leave me if i didnt stop using, come to find out after he found out i was pregnant, i have caught him 4 times since then getting high behind myback and lying right to my face when the evidence is sitting right next to him, literally. i feel so sad and so betrayed. and i wonder why such a young pretty girl deserves to feel this way. its like my fiance is already in jail for 4 more months. and now i lost the only friend i really care about that has always been there for me. how could he do this to me is beyond me. ive done nothing but help and support him financially and emotionally for years. paying for him when i couldnt even pay for myself. the betrayal i feel is so overwhelming that i really think its impossible to keep it in any longer. i want to hate him but i feel tears going down my face because i love him so much and hes a brother to me. i gave up my life of party friends to have one solid best friend that knew me better than i knew myself. but obviously that wasnt the case. or he would have known the pain lying to me caused. i will not be having a baby anymore. im getting an abortion on wednesday. we are all sexy fun and everything you see is real. but we also hurt and feel pain that makes us feel like we cannot continue. im human. but god wouldnt it be easier sometimes to be a dog? or a bird? or even to be a little kid again, what i would give to feel the carefree joy of being a child. i dont know at this point in time if i would rather feel pain or feel nothing at all. and i hope that god will keep me strong. and ill have to smoke some bud too but hey thats okay. thanks for listening. LUV U GUYS.